Central Park Rangers FC

One of the brothers Guzijan has to do them so I figured I would draft them up quickly while our least proud moments are still at the top of my head….

Ernesto – $1 for the rent a car fiasco…I’d rather walk to and from the game rather than take $80 from our bar tab. This team has habits to take care of.
Sewards - $2 for approving the rent a car fiasco…I believe we had 13 cars driving to the game, and only 11 driving back.
Rorey and Corey – $2 each ….That is a dollar for each of you for stepping on the field, and another dollar for each of you for complaining about the “quality of play” after the game. That is like Bin Laden complaining about terrorism.
Mazzi – $1….you already knew this one was coming….the throw in off the head, to the swinging leg kick miss, to the falling down sitting in the middle of the field where you simply just said “sub”. Reminded me of a reenactment of a Karate Kid II scene.
Ben – $1 for the throw in that bounced over your head and into the back of our net, stop playing around a grow a few inches already.
Myself – $2 I guess its only fair to fine myself for each free kick that I blasted into Siberia. It was the field I swear.
Steve Roberts – $1 for giving us a straight face talked before the Reds game about how you are not going to favor either side if you are going to ref this game. Then you get another $1 because I put a finger in your butt while you were giving the speech and you still didn’t laugh.
Myself - $1 for putting a finger in Steve Roberts butt and thinking that it would be funny.
Everybody that played in the Reserves game $1 – for drinking all of Trygve’s beer without even saving him one beer.
Trygve - $1 for actually thinking one of the alcoholics on our team was actually going to save you a beer.
Robbie (The Fornigator) – $1 for actually denying your first jager bomb as a member of the team…I don’t think I have ever heard of such non sense before, there will be a team meeting about this in the future.
Gonzo – $2 ….1 dollar for your buddy Rich missing an open net (I can’t fine him) and another dollar for your other buddy wearing his nice pink shirt with his collar up all day. Does he happen to know Rob Chilton?
Ciaran - $1 for pretending to be a forward for the day. As if you and Illija don’t already spend enough “QT” together now we are going to have you two hold hands up front all season?
SPEAKING OF MAN LOVE….
Charlie and New Sean – $8 each…that’s 1$ for each time at the bar that we had to hear you two Irish fools declare your love for each other.
Charlie – “No seriously Nikle, I fucking love this kid.”
Sean – “Yo man I fucking love Charlie dude, hes the fucking man.”
Charlie – “Nikle man your boy Sean is fucking great, his laugh cracks me up.”
Sean – “ (high pitched squeal) hehehe Fucking Charlie man…that guys great”
That’s all I got in me for now…feel free to add your own, I’ll end up thinking of more as the day goes on anyways…
-Nikle

From the Law Offices of Finkelstein, Tottenham and Partners PLC.

Sirs,
We at the Law Offices of Finkelstein Tottenham and Partners represent the City Of Las Vegas Nevada (hereby known as Plaintiff) in the matters below. Instead of seeking a court appearance the Plaintiff requires monetary compensation from the Central Park Rangers Soccer Club (hereby known as defendants) to settle the listed matters in a timely manner. Thank you for your cooperation.

Fines

Trygve – $1 For throwing the ball at Mark’s head… and missing. Ok, you have problems catching a ball I didn’t know you couldnt throw a ball either.

Mark – $1 For getting punked by Trygve. How are you going to let him throw a ball at your head and not do anything about it… esp. in front of your woman?

Nikle – $3 That’s two dollars for having your new friend grab your ass and compliment your choker and that’s another buck for not having a retort back to him. Speaking of Freddie Mercury…

CPR – $1 each For losing to a group of Freddie Mercury lookalikes. Hs anyone tried telling someone what happened? Should we all just retire now?

Freddie Mercury Lookalikes – $1 each As a resident of the west village I’ll have you know that if I dressed in see through white shorts, a skin tight black t-shirt (that shows off my muscular upper body) and a professionally styled ‘stache… then told people I was from San Francisco… I would be called a homophobic bigot and have eggs thrown at me. (That being said….Can anyone think of a better group halloween costume. I didnt think so.)

Nikle – $1 For turning into a psychiatrist . You got a stripper to open up to you…. EMOTIONALLY. That back room… that was the “champagne room” not the circle of trust…. you made the girl cry and you didnt even take off your pants.

Paul – $1 Ive seen you carry on 3 conversations at once, while drinking a jaeger bomb, and checking e-mails on your phone…. so explain how while watching Finkelstein get a lap dance you are unable to hand a bottle of vodka 16 inches. You didnt even have to get up… just extend your arm… you were already holding the bottle… i was thirsty.

Mazi – $728,942 That’s a fine for every dollar you won in Vegas. No one is supposed to win in vegas… we all lose and go home broke talking about how much money we lost and how much credit card debt we ran up.

Tottenham – $4 That’s a dollar for every time you puked on Friday night and an extra dollar for ruining Nikle’s morning by throwing up next to him. Poor form…. but I expect nothing less from a Tottenham fan.

Ilijia – $1 One word… pajamas. Go ahead and buy some…. I know the room was hot but nikle and i didnt need to see your naked ass.

Meredith – $1 For outplaying your boyfriend

Mark – $1 For getting outplayed by your girlfriend

Meredith and NIkle – $2 For you two posting the only shutouts of the weekend… bizzaro world

Paul – $1 For taking an over the top Mazzi and sexually frustrated Rob to watch a liverpool game at 5am.

Mazi – $1 “Who are you?” Yes Mazi Who ARE you? You know what? Dont pay the fine save the buck and get yourself to a premier league match. ASAP.

Mazi – $1 The patrons at the Crown & Anchor didnt want to me to fine you for it because of the high entertainment value… but falling asleep with a sausage on the end of your fork and a beer in hand? Fineable.

Ilijia – $1 Now the whopping two goals you put in are fine… but beating the goalie, shooting on an open goal, and then you get the ball stopped by the grass…. the grass?

Finkelstein – $20 For stealing the best looking “dancer” for 30 minutes. We had a nice little deal. You get the dance… the rest of the team oogles like drunken teenagers (see: Sewards, Paul) but then you disappear for 30 minutes? That’s some B.S.

Trygve – $20 Replace previous “dancer” with lesbian and “30 minutes” for the rest of the night.

Mark and Meredith – $2 Great job not going with us Friday. I’m sure cirque du soleil was much much better.

Tao – $26,451 One dollar for every person you shoved into a club that could hold 700 people.

Trygve & Ally – $2 No great job guys. Last night in Vegas get to sleep by 2am. Genius.

Paul – $3 One dollar for every bottle I bought after 3am. When is it a good idea to buy a bottle after 3am… and why didnt you stop me?

JT and Billy – $1 each Nice to see you guys live it up in Vegas. Were you in Vegas or did you just fly into town for the games? I heard a rumor JT decided to skip staying at the Paris and sleep at the bunny ranch….. just what I heard (or a rumor Im starting).

Billy – $1 For the jersey….

Manny – $500 Notice this is the same amount as the CHIP YOU LOST…. if you can throw away 500 chips in Vegas I figure you can easily pay the fine.

Ally – $2 Setting the bar for most hungover on the trip. What a Saturday morning performance: sunglasses.. sickly look… gatorade… insistence that “you dont throw up.” You just beat out….

Tottenham – $1 So hungover you couldnt play…. welcome to Soccer Resort Vegas Baby!

Manny – $1 see above…. although i think it may have been an actual injury; no injuries occur in vegas without at least some help from alcohol.

Jess – $2 Let me get this straight you have a boyfriend in Florida so you decide to have a weekend away in Vegas with the cpr mens team?

JT – $1 For trying to convince me to “mark their best player” during the coed game… yea JT I just let in 14 goals in three games so Im going to play defense…

Ilijia – $6 That’s one dollar for every in n out burger you ordered. Plus an extra 2 dollars for the ones you brought to the room “for later” that I ended up drunkenly eating.

Finally… We have a special section dedicated to the man who set fine records:

BIG ROB CHILTON

$6 – To be split with Mazzi for reading a book while Nikle and Trygve got drunk and flashed on the plane to Vegas.

$10 – The comment of the trip: “I’m an anal fucker.”

$2 – For being the one to figure out what was different about the Freddie Mercury team conversation during warmups:

-Marko, come here.

-Yea, Rob?

-Notice anything different about this team?

-What do you mean, Rob?

-You think those shorts a little too short?

-Maybe they’re European like you, Rob?

-But dont you think see through white shorts are a little strange?

-I guess.

-And don’t you think those black t-shirts are a little tight?

-They do seem tight.

-Yes and do you notice they all seem in rather good shape?

-I didnt really pay attention to that but now that you mention it… yes they do have well defined pectoral muscles.

-And the mustaches seem a bit styled dont they?

-wait they have mustaches [I wasn’t wearing my glasses]?

-Yes Marko, rather well waxed ones.

-Rob, are you saying…

-Didn’t the organizer say they had a team in from San Francisco?

-Yea… oh…. OOOHHHHHHHHHH (hand slapping on forehead)

Would we have figured it out eventually… yes… but Rob has the experience because as we learned on the bus ride back to the hotel:

$2 – Rob’s first team was an all homosexual team.

$1 – For not getting your first lap dance until this trip to Vegas. How old are you?

$22 – One dollar for each lap dance you got after your first lap dance ever.

$3 – For falling asleep at asia [note: the name of the after hours club not the name of the stripper] while sitting on the couch and swaying to music. Then after being woken up exclaiming you are fine you just “need to stand up and dance!”

$1 – For worrying the strippers may be hurting themselves on your large belt buckle.

$1 – For the crazy mad cap solo dance you did around the playboy club on the first night.

$1 – For listening to the grunting sounds of your roommate and not trying to change rooms with someone else.

$1 – For coming through in the clutch…. I needed face lotion… who do I call… and who has two types of lotion to give me…. damn straight. Who always comes through with comedic and micro-abrasive help:

BIG ROB CHILTON!

Feel free to add your own… and the ones I forgot.