Central Park Rangers FC

Reserves

I hear rumors that Randall’s Island is now a field turf paradise. Clearly, change is coming to New York City, but it’s taking its damned time. Forced to choose between Floyd Bennett Field, in the outer reaches of Brooklyn, and hell, I’ll take hell. At least it’s warm there. And even Satan’s probably gotten around to installing turf.

After complaining for weeks about late start times (because when you get to the pub at 7, it’s harder to down 10 pints and still make it to work the next morning) Reds/Red Reserves were rewarded with early kickoffs in this past weekend’s opening round of the State Cup. That’s fine in theory, but an 8am meet time at Central Bar on a cold, blustery Sunday morning is enough to make even the most devoted employee see the wisdom in playing late and blowing off work on Monday.

After a good hour in the car and a pleasant tour of Flatbush Avenue, the squads arrived at Floyd Bennett Field. No, not that Floyd Bennett Field, with the shiny new field turf and stadium seating. The other Floyd Bennett Field. The one with the hard-packed dirt, the stubbly, patchy grass, and the wind whipping in off the bay, cutting right through that flimsy windbreaker that seemed more than adequate when you stepped out of your warm East Village apartment that morning back in civilization. When they told you to bring your own paint to line the field, you should have known.

Happily, that onerous task was completed by the time the squads arrived. It saved Rangers some trouble, even if the lines looked, as one wry observer put it, “as though they were laid down by Sewards and Aussie Dave on their way home from the pub.” There was nothing linear about these lines; the one running along the benches was more akin to an arc. This led, inevitably, to a member of the opposition calling for the ball well outside the paint. The rejoinder from his teammate – “You’re not even on the pitch!” – was met with an explosion of laughter from the CPR bench.

With Nikle well-inebriated and lurching about in goal for the Reserves on 30 minutes sleep, it was moments before Irish Rovers tucked one in the net. Rangers rebounded well, pressuring the opposition until Gary Mac dished one out to Ugo charging up the far side of the pitch. The peacekeeper took a deft touch to his right and struck a fine shot to even the score at 1-1. Moments later, Paul Sewards, who would put in a full 90 minutes for the first time this decade, beat three men, only to be shut down by the sole remaining defender as Sewards made his move on goal. It was the first link in a chain of inspiring play for the gaffer.

Despite hurricane force winds and an incessant car alarm (because car thieves are constantly prowling this deserted sports complex on the edge of the known world), Rangers began to move the ball around well and put Rovers under pressure. At around the 30-minute mark, Sewards found Phil on the wing. The big Pollack took the ball to the end-line and his subsequent cross was just wide, ricocheting off the outside of the net. Another thru-ball from Gary Mac to Ugo came moments later, but Solinas’s shot this time was just wide.

Rovers began to pressure Nikle, who was starting to show signs of sobriety. A bicycle kick across the mouth of the goal was wide but Guzijan looked to have zeroed in on the correct ball – the middle one – and it was no real threat. Pushing back, Phil launched another promising cross, only to see it stopped mid-flight by a wall of wind and sent plummeting back to earth like a winged pigeon. With Rangers working the ball around nicely, Paul DeLeonardis sent a brilliant pass up the left flank with Sewards running on. But with an extra thirty pounds of hardware on his knee, the gaffer was no match for the Kmart Special.

Rangers continued to impress with solid defense, orchestrated by Steve Roberts (also serving a full 90) and great passing work under the circumstances. Late in the half, Nikle signaled his complete recovery by yanking the ball off the head of an onrushing striker and saving what would certainly have been the go-ahead goal. Moments later, CPR stopped Rovers short again as Ferd stood the striker up on the right and relieved him of the ball. The next moment of brilliance looked to go to Han as he chased his man through the gap in the middle and managed to pry the ball loose. Unfortunately it popped out and onto the foot of a trailing midfielder, who buried it in the back of Rangers’ net.

With the sideline in full-throated support, CPR countered, narrowly missing the equalizer as Sewards headed the ball out to Phil, who shot just wide. Rovers’ wall rejected a Rangers’ free kick minutes later and the lucky Irish counter-attacked quickly, nearly going up two goals. Nikle’s perfectly-timed slide tackle upended the incoming striker (and Ferd) and kept the match at 2-1 going into halftime.

There were a lot of inspiring words spoken at the half, but they were drowned out by the wind and that go**amned car alarm. Simultaneously, on a studio set somewhere in Washington DC, Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama.

The second half opened with an occurrence all too familiar to the Reds and Red Reserves, a quick goal for the opposition. Rangers fought hard throughout the half with notable work by Bola Adeeko, who got stuck in for every ball and set a season record for falling down the fewest times. Gary Mac was impressive throughout (despite missing a sitter in the final minutes), but in the end it wasn’t enough. Rovers walked away with it, 4-1.

Nikle’s report on Reds vs. Kosovars – which is likely to spark an international incident – after the jump.

Goal: Ugo

Assist: Gary Mac (I believe)

Man of the Match: Ugo

Honorable Mention: Paul Sewards

Special Bulletins: Nick Sonderup spotted this morning, corner of Spring and Greene Streets in Soho. Too far to make contact. Now sporting late-model Che Guevarra beard and muttering something about having to miss training. . . . And Neil Stower wrote in, pissed, from the London tube. He ranted incoherently for a few lines and then grabbed the breasts of the woman next to him, prompting Slaine Pub on MacDougal Street to ban him for life.

Reds

The wind was blowing hard, the field was crap, alcohol was still pouring out of the Reds sweat glands, Coach Sewards was scheming up a flawless plan of attack with NEW ASSISTANT COACH TED “THE KEG” SEWARDS (more of that to come later) but it was State Cup time and we were ready to take on FC Gypsies… or Kosova? Whatever same thing. From the moment the whistle blew we stepped up the pressure and played much of the first 10 minutes on the thieves side of the field. A few missed early oppurtunities had the Reds feeling like we were close to notching our first goal, and that we did. Just like last week Ciaran “London” Friel” was taken down on the run and a free kick was awarded. From about 35 yards out Nikle was on the ball with the oppurtunity at fame and glory once again. Calling out “Chilton” as a source of misdirection to confuse defenders, Nikle lofted the ball up and over the keepers head (on purpose I swear) and made the score 1-0. Instead of celebrating Nikle walked back to halfline hanging his head low in embarrasment and shame (kinda felt like Biden telling the handicap guy in a wheelchair to “Get up and wave to the crowd!” The pressure continued and just moments later left the Reds with a “Hamilton Connection.” Nikle threw the ball to a streaking Zack kelly’s head, and per usual Zack “the club” Kelly was able to get the job done. Leaping through the air like the flying squirrel he is, the reds were now sitting pretty at 2-0. A nice combination in the back this week kept the reds with a 2-0 lead. Props to the 5 rotating in the back for a well played game, lead by keeper Jay “I know how to get to central bar from 12th st and 3rd ave if that helps?” Bell, Johnny “wait til this team sees what my sister looks like” Porges, Charlie “I got my fiancee drunk and made her sign the papers to give me joint access to her bank account” Linehan, Greg “I have one drink with my team and then spend the next 3 hours making choices that aren’t very” Wise, and Tokumbo “Nikle if you say a bad thing about me I will flex my pectorals and you will run for you pathetic little life” Shobowale.

Things were looking good at the start of the second half until a half assed cross came in from the left side deflecting of John Porges’ head and then perfectly redirected into the bottom left corner of our own net leaving Jay Bell with a look of “WTF, like seriously?” Reds 2, Freeloaders 1. We were on our heals for a good portion of the first 20 minutes in the second half, and we were reassured that by the constant negativity flowing out of Rob Chiltons mouth that we were not playing very well. But it is a 90 minute game my friends and due to our infinite fitness (or having 4 subs for once) the tables turned in our favor once again. A throw in from Kyle and a head to head combination between Zack and Nikle (Hamilton, What What!!!!) gave the reds a two goal lead again. But referees hate Nikle and raised an offsides flag on him for the second week in a row. Instead of Nikle telling the ref what he thought of his mother, he was able to hold himself back for once and continue playing. Good pressure up top from Tim Timminy Tim Tim and Kyle “I will score 37 goals in one practice but never one in a game…ever” Gregory, kept us inches from another goal. A nifty step over from the top right corner of the box and a chip to the far bar gave Timmy his club record 137th straight game with a goal and the Reds with a 3-1 lead. Smooth sailing from here on out boys and girls, the Reds are on to the second round of the cup. AFTER the game Kosova refused to leave the field, standing on it and claiming it was their land.

Goals: Nikle, Zack, Tim

Assists: Nikle, Chilton (I believe?)

Own Goal and Assist Connection: Porges, Greg

Man of the Match: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny (porges)

Honorable Mention: Tim, Leeds Alex

After the game we found ourselves living like the true Americans I want you all to become. 25 cent Wings, Beer, Jager Bombs, unnattractive women, American Football, and drunken political talk, gave Ted “The Keg” Sewards his first vision of what heaven will be like. A special appearance was made by new guy Alex which was ballsy to say the least. First off, he was unable to show up to the reserves game because he was still too drunk? This is the Reds buddy, you need to have a sit down with Sewards, Nikle, Aussie Dave and TJ asap. Alex’s attire was also questionable at best… a valore buttown down Muhammed Ali jumpsuit? seriously did anybody get a picture of that? You get an F this week my friend. After already going home to shower Greg decided to show up back at the bar (actually quite impressive) 3 1/2 hours after the team got there. However this week was not his and Central Bar tied the score at 1-1. The final hours of the night saw Nikle, Zack, Greg, and Leeds Alex discussing what should never be allowed to be talked about ever at any bar, politics.

Conclusions for the week: Kosova is and will always be a part of Serbia. And Clinton is an asshole.

So it may have taken a few weeks to warm up and start looking like a team, but the Reds and Reds Reserves came away with 4 well needed points against Kandia on Sunday.