Central Park Rangers FC

Guys – Interesting news just received. Clarkstown reserves lost 2-0 to Celtic. Clarkstown 1sts won 3-1 over celtic. Which means we can win the reserves title if we beat Ukrainians by a wupping scoreline and/or celtic (v Kandia) & clarkstown (v EMC) lose. Currently 3 goals behind on GA with Celtic with equal points. Reds can secure top 3 finish with a win!!!!!

Croatia Reserves 2 – 7 CPR Red Reserves

Fun In the Sun

Through the looking glass and into the New Jersey hinterland, the reserves arrived at the Croatian pitch, etched into the middle of a veritable jungle. With the gaffer a last minute scratch and Willie running late, Steve Roberts made some last minute changes to the side: Jason “Colonel Kurtz” Bell in the net; Big T, Roberts, Roddy and Ferd at the back; Linehan at left midfield, Phil and Gary Mac in the middle, Ugo on the right; Bola and Tim up front; and we were off to the races.

Let’s not belabor the point: the top side in the division playing against 8 men, anything less than a lopsided victory would have been a disgrace. And lopsided it was, as we focused on goal differential.

Highlights included a brilliant highlight reel save by Kurtz, a massive defensive line (and Ferd) making up for in brilliant positioning and muscle what they lacked in speed, beautiful passing and speed on the break at midfield, and some textbook goalscoring by Bola (performing in front of his son), Tim, Phil and Ugo (on a brilliant penalty kick). If there was any cloud at all, it was Bola steadfastly refusing to kick the ball out to Linehan, in perfect scoring position. Greedy striker.

Huge game this Sunday, as the Reserves look to cut down Ukrainian and seize some well-deserved silverware. It’s now or never, boys!

Goals: Bola 2, Phil 2, Tim 2, Ugo

NY Croatia 2 – 4 CPR Reds
Match report by Rob Chilton.

Many years from now, when Nikle Guzijan is on his deathbed, surrounded
by his 27 mentally-retarded children and his fourth wife (a New York
Giants cheerleader named Candii with double D breasts and the ability
to suck a golf ball through a hosepipe) he will look back to 10 May,
2009 and smile. He will remember that golden spring day, take his last
contented breath, receive one last blow job from Candii and die a
happy man, his body riddled with syphilis.

Nikle, 25, scored a clinical hat trick, got sent off for a racist goal
celebration and then enjoyed the company of a delightful young lady
named Sam. (On a side note, I also enjoyed the company of a lovely
young thing named Sam that same night. Great guy, he might come to
practice tonight.)

Anyway, back to the game…. With frantic phone calls having been made
to our beloved moms on Mother’s Day, the CPR convoy left New York City
on a sunny May morning for the long trip to Boonton (pop. 324) to play
top of the table outfit NY Croatia. With a defence which had only
conceded 16 goals all season, the CPR chaps knew it would take a big,
hard, sexy effort to make a breakthrough.

A breakthrough did indeed come, but for the Croatian side. Their
centre forward latched onto a long ball over the top and, with Rob
Chilton lumbering like an asthmatic ant carrying heavy shopping bags,
the Croat raced away to tuck the ball into the net. CPR responded
almost immediately with a flowing move through the midfield which led
to Nikle curling a fine shot just inside the post from the corner of
the penalty area.

Moments later, some comical defending from CPR gifted NY Croatia a
penalty. According to the NY Croatia coach, the striker who stepped up
to take the kick had not missed from the spot in four years. That run
of good luck was about to change. Eric Wunsch watched the dark,
brooding eyes of the Croat striker and then leapt like an angry
panther to palm the ball away. John Porges’ long, muscular legs
cleared the rebound to safety. NY Croatia refused to be deflated by
the penalty miss and nabbed a second goal minutes later when a
breakaway run was cut back for their marauding midfielder to smash the
ball home. But again, like a stubborn cockroach that can’t be crushed
under the heel of a shoe, CPR came back and equalised through Zach
Attack Kelly, who capped a liquid passing pattern to calmly slot the
ball past the hapless Croatian keeper. The score stood at 2-2, and the
home crowd were getting restless with their team’s inability to handle
the fancy footwork and resilience of these boys from the big bad City.

With half time approaching, the game was momentarily paused when the
CPR half pints Matt Bernal, Ben Preston-Fridman and Danny Azzo got
lost in the long grass. Having found the cute little munchkins, the
game continued. With the blood clearly pumping, Nikle received his
first yellow card of the day for foul and abusive language. Johnny
Keogh was reprimanded for the same offence. Honestly, boys, do you
kiss your mothers with those mouths?

The second half began with more pressure on both goals. Alex
Bauman-Lyons worked tirelessly in midfield, Eric continued to make
save after extraordinary save, Ilija barged his way around the field
like a drunken man trying to get into a cab at 4am, and Danny let rip
with his now customary yet unique brand of witty banter/humiliating
abuse. CPR turned the screw (no, that’s not a sex act) and took a
deserved lead with Nikle neatly turning in a corner kick, having
cleverly shoved his marker to the ground to grab a yard of space. Soon
after Nikle completed his hat trick with a daring lob from 45 yards
that had the keeper gawping in shock, both at Nikle’s impudence but
also at the way his sweaty, flowing hair caught the sunlight as he
shot.

With years of anti-Croatian resentment burning a hole in his Under
Armour, Nikle raced to the center circle, removed his shirt, made a
religious gesture with his hands that threatened to destabilise the
peace in the troubled Balkan region and promptly received a second
yellow card. Down to 10 men, but 4-2 up, it was time for a gritty
backs-to-the-wall performance (again, not a sex act). It was a display
that reminded many onlookers of that famous afternoon this season when
CPR defended like dogs to defeat Kandia away from home, aka The Battle
of the Bronx. Time and time again, Eric came to the rescue with a
superbly athletic display of goalkeeping, his supple and lithe body
arching gracefully to deflect the torrent of shots. The final whistle
blew, and CPR rejoiced as their rich vein of form continued.

After the game, as the Reds sipped refreshing and well-deserved beers
on the field, Ilija gave his customary insight into European history
and explained to his team mates why there is such bad blood between
the Croats and the Serbs, describing something called the Ustasi
which, as far as I can gather, was a Croatian Nazi death squad that
used to terrorize innocent men for wearing outrageously bad fashion in
the 1930s.

In his post-match press conference, the NY Croatian coach Slobodan
Sexymanovich congratulated CPR and admitted, “They wanted it more
today.” Quite right. We wanted it, we took it, we enjoyed it – rather
like Nikle and Sam later that night.

MOTM: Eric Wunsch.
Special Mention (hat trick, red card, dirty sex with a hot girl): Nikle Guzijan.

Goals: Nikle 3, Zach