Central Park Rangers FC

KAYNE WEST – We went into the match with a game plan based on stereo-types and boy was it effective. “Get stuck in because the Greeks like to take a touch or two, so just knock them off the fucking ball quick and early” (Paraphrasing Sewards). Using this strategy, the reserves scored a few quick goals which proves one thing: stereo-types are a real time saver and completely accurate.

After some heads up long passing and crosses by the Reds, the Greeks were literally left with their heads spinning as Phil came up with two big goals. Weirdly though, after scoring his two goals and playing hard for about ten minutes, Phil then inexplicably decided his day was over and pretty much walked through the rest of the match, showing no determination, effort, or even desire to complete his hat-trick. It was truly a shameful performance on his part. To be honest, we might as well have had Rosie O’donnell on the pitch. She probably would have run harder.

Sometime as the barrage of goals was peppering the Greek nets, a sniper was targeting the field from a mysterious location. …And then tragedy struck. As Eddie was calmly explaining to one of the Greeks that going in for a studs up tackle was kind of a dick move, the sniper hit their diminutive number 10 in the face (at first). Apparently the bullet wound from the sniper’s gun then migrated down to number 10’s leg, because he went from holding his face to his leg while on the ground. We’re just lucky that the sniper didn’t get Eddie. (Eddie told the kid not to go in studs up and he inexplicably went down like he’d been shot while the ref wasn’t looking to try to get Eddie red carded, which was also a dick move. Number 10 later got red carded for lipping off the ref.).

We went into half time firmly in the lead, with the Greeks in disarray, getting chippy, yelling at us and fighting amongst themselves. Rich made the best math pun of the day during the team talk, saying “They’re coming at us from all angles”. Truly genius.

In the second half, Simon made his presence on the team known, announcing his arrival to the Reds by scoring from a header off a corner kick (that Charlie generously laid off of for Simon to run on to), then doing the best goal celebration of the season so far: wiping his brow on the corner flag. Inspired stuff Simon… welcome to CPR.

It wouldn’t be a reserves match without some posts being hit. Rich hit one on a heroic striking effort, while Phil hit one due only to his being too lazy to direct the ball into the net, which was probably so open that Rosie would have hit the target.

We’re not really sure as to the identity of the scorer of the Red’s Reserves “missing” goal. It could have been anyone really. Some say it was Bola. Some say Greg scored with a free kick. Theories abound. The once certainty is that it wasn’t Big T. If anyone wants to claim our missing goal, leave a comment and you’ll get the statistic. Just kidding, glad to have you scoring again T.

After the game, as per usual, a bunch of the reserves stayed to watch the firsts and Big T decided that in order to support our team/heckle the other teams more effectively in the future, he is going to buy the “Heckling/Ethnic Slurring” editions of Rosetta Stone language learning software. He came to this conclusion after wishing he could heckle the other team’s goalie (Charlie Brown) in Greek.

Goals:  2′-Bola, 15′ &18′- Phil, 65′-BIG T, 70′ -Simon (2nd half)

Man of the Match: Phil
Honorable Mentions: Ryan, and Simon (for the best goal celebration of the season so far).